A while back, I blogged about being Present and how I sensed the Lord teaching me things with the alliteration of the letter P. The one I am in right now is Process.
So many things are in process. I'm processing life and change and closure and endings and beginnings.
The season of life in Panama is coming to a close. It's been a vast mixture of emotions and wonderings and crying and questioning and trusting and hoping.
The bottom line of all of the processing has been choosing to listen to the Holy Spirit and say Yes to Him. It is hard!
For seven years, my life has been invested in this place, in these people, in these ministries, in being present here. It has not always been easy (I didn't think I would survive the first week or even six months!). At the beginning, I had no idea that when I left, it would be this hard. But Panama has become my home. It's become a place to grow, to heal, to walk, to live, to explore, to dream, to stretch, to laugh, to hurt, to be.
So why leave?
That's been the whispering and shouting of the Holy Spirit. A lot of it has been, "Abby, do you trust me? Do you trust me to take you out and lead you into the unknown?"
The big thing that kept coming to my mind as I processed with the Lord was the line from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe where people would ask about Aslan and the response would be, "He isn't safe, but He is good." It has been a sensing that He is calling me out of my safety into the unknown, into what feels scary. Yes, I'm returning to my passport and "home" country, but it's different, I'm different.
Many years ago I read a book called, Your God is Too Safe and it reminds me of how I want God packaged all nice and neat. I want Him to be predictable and do what I expect. But that isn't how God works. Last week in chapel, I did a quick lesson on "When God Does the Unexpected". It was such a vivid reminder to me that I cannot impose my human expectations on Sovereign God of the Universe.
Right now, there are plastic totes sitting in my living room with items filled to sell.
It's just stuff, but they are things have made my house a home. I would trade it all to take the relationships with me. Those will last far longer.
It is strange. Sorting through things that are part of life here. Soon what fits will be shoved into 2 fifty pound suitcases and life will start over.
For now, the processing continues.
But in the not so distant future as I have to pare down the things again, I will have to remind myself once more...
It's just stuff.