Wednesday, May 14, 2014

A Few Pleasant Inns

Any music fans out there? The kind where you love to belt out lyrics in the car (even if they are not the right ones) or write your own lyrics for fun? Y'all, I have two go-to-change-the-words songs "O Christmas Tree" and "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" I just created a version for a friend's birthday and it is so much fun!

I digress.

So music. Love it. Love singing. The ability to play and sing is quite lacking. Focus, Abby.

However, the past few months in church, the Lord has seen fit for the music to cause me to stop and be like, "For real, Lord? Right now? In church?" I know, dumb questions since that seems like the likely location for conviction and discussion.

This past Sunday was no exception. We were singing "Oceans" and the bridge caused me to stop singing and be like, "Lord, I don't know if I want to sing this. We had this discussion last year, and we are still walking this road. Really?" Here is what caused me to stop and really ponder if I wanted to utter these words aloud:

"Spirit lead me to where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger..." 

This was the intense conversation we had in February of 2013 - "Abby, will you trust me? Will you?" And here we are - in Dallas. Being stretched. Learning tons. Resting. Waiting. Walking. Healing. Taking hold. 

So as I stood there contemplating, the questions arose again. "How much further? How much deeper? Where is the wherever?" And then the startling realization of, if this is what you want, would I say yes? Crap! Ok, maybe a better question is, would I say willingly not because I know it is the "right" answer? 

Then I giggle to myself as I realize what our sermon series is. 

Yep. Not there yet. And I was reminded of why. This. Isn't. Home. 

This quote from C.S. Lewis brought me to tears in church, (It's either from The Problem of Pain or The Weight of Glory).
"Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."
LOVE THAT! Yes! I'm missing a few pleasant inns and the other sojourners who lodged alongside (and this was quite literal). 

So, it's a hashing it out stage for me and Jesus currently. It's good. It hurts. I crave Him more, because I long for the next. 

Sunday ended with this and I love it, (again C.S. Lewis The Weight of Pain)
"These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.”

So the song, trusting, deepening, walking - what is the answer? It's what my heart aches for and I need only to acknowledge that for which it longs.